Friday, November 19, 2010

trying to delay the onset of Christmas

So, as I was decorating the tree at work today (which is so much fun because there's always brand new ornaments that have been hiding away waiting for this time of year), I caught myself thinking (again) that maybe it's late enough for me to start decorating without incurring the wrath of my family's scrooginess. Because apparently putting up Christmas decorations too early can somehow destroy the strength of the Christmas spirit.

Anyway, I've been trying to hold back because I know that once I get started it will be hard to stop until it's all out and up and making me hum while vacuuming. And I wonder why that's something to avoid? I love decorating, and I have a real weakness for ornaments. But I don't have a house that you can get carried away with reasonably. Too many odd spaces and dysfunctional furniture. And then I would start thinking about changing the whole house, buying different furniture to display decorations better, buying a bigger fluffier tree...you can see why I would want to hold myself back.

I guess the problem isn't really with Christmas and the feelings it engenders while decorating. The problem is me. I have this internal measuring stick against which I judge my efforts and my mind envisions this glorious spectacle that leaves me warm and fuzzy. But when it comes into contact with the harsh reality of my resources, it's just not going to be pretty. And it's uncomfortable to realize that I'm that way with most things - my expectation usually outstrips my accomplishment. It's why I'd love to get totally carried away at Halloween (and every other decoration worthy occasion) but won't let myself because I know it will just make me too aware of what isn't possible. I don't like annihilating my dreams with reality. It feels like murder.

Is that fear? Probably on some level. Thankfully it doesn't keep me from taking a leap once in a while. And sometimes just the act of trying is fulfillment in itself. And just imagining what could be under altered circumstances keeps me feeling rather effervescent sometimes.


So, am I dragging out the ornaments tonight? Maybe. I know I can't delay it forever. Just the anticipation of the lit tree can make me start smiling. So what if it's not December for 10 more days. A little early holiday spirit never hurt anyone, right?

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