Seems like I ask that question periodically in my life because I encounter events, people, things that make me wonder if I'm on the right path after all. It's been a while since I last posted and that's because it's taken me this long to get my head straight - I think.
I should actually be getting in the shower right now to get ready for my next obligation with time to spare but instead find myself rapidly typing out what I've been procrastinating for over a month. The trip to Australia was very educational for me. Not so much informationally educational but more introspectively educational. I had worried so much beforehand that I was building it up in my mind to be more than a place could ever be and that I was setting myself up to be disappointed. Imagine finding out I was actually right - it was more than I imagined. Not that it's a magical place so much as that I felt more myself there. That part was positively intoxicating.
So what does that mean? I'm not entirely sure. But I know I came home determined to be myself and stop allowing myself to be obligated into being someone else a lot of the time. And how am I doing in that endeavour? Not great yet. I've had 40+ years to master my malleability. It's going to take a while to learn to say no and mean it. But I think it's worth trying to.
So now I get to take a closer look at all the things I do in my current life and start making some choices. I'll have to ask some hard questions like "does this make me happy?," and "do I like the person I become when I'm doing this?" and "who am I actually doing this for?" It's easy to see why I would procrastinate doing that. But I think it's important. I get to live with myself for a very long time, so I should probably learn to like myself one of these days, and in order to do that I need to actually be myself. Tall order.
I should actually be getting in the shower right now to get ready for my next obligation with time to spare but instead find myself rapidly typing out what I've been procrastinating for over a month. The trip to Australia was very educational for me. Not so much informationally educational but more introspectively educational. I had worried so much beforehand that I was building it up in my mind to be more than a place could ever be and that I was setting myself up to be disappointed. Imagine finding out I was actually right - it was more than I imagined. Not that it's a magical place so much as that I felt more myself there. That part was positively intoxicating.
So what does that mean? I'm not entirely sure. But I know I came home determined to be myself and stop allowing myself to be obligated into being someone else a lot of the time. And how am I doing in that endeavour? Not great yet. I've had 40+ years to master my malleability. It's going to take a while to learn to say no and mean it. But I think it's worth trying to.
So now I get to take a closer look at all the things I do in my current life and start making some choices. I'll have to ask some hard questions like "does this make me happy?," and "do I like the person I become when I'm doing this?" and "who am I actually doing this for?" It's easy to see why I would procrastinate doing that. But I think it's important. I get to live with myself for a very long time, so I should probably learn to like myself one of these days, and in order to do that I need to actually be myself. Tall order.
I think everyone grapples with the struggle to be yourself or the person it seems you "should" be. I think it's liberating to be okay with being yourself. eg, if you don't like classical music, don't buy beethoven.
ReplyDeleteSometimes getting away is a great way to cast off the shackles of responsibility and look at it clearly. Exciting.
More on that: I just read the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It's a memoire of a working Mom's search for greater happiness. I really enjoyed it and you might too.