Change

In a week, my BYU Pathway Connect journey finishes. The overarching theme of this past year has embraced change. I thought I was acceptably self-aware and ready for what would happen. I was and I wasn’t. While I rediscovered some of my past comfortably, other things pinched and pressed. I was often self-critical. Marks mattered as much as they ever did. I pushed myself to do well. I had to, because of the unchanged obsessive nature inside me. And I still became anxious about tests and assignments, always reaching for that perfect grade. 

I thought it would be easy. It was and it wasn’t. I was confronted often enough to realize how little I am expert with. My pride lived and breathed, so humility compelled often. I began this process to discover if I could really return to education with confidence and ability. I thought I could, but there was just enough doubt to make me unsure. This was an easy way for me to dip my toes in the edge of the surf without getting pulled out to sea. That was the plan. But I had forgotten how much I like the water and waded in deeper. It became a test to see how well I could do with the weekly content. It was addictive and demanding. I’m sure Trevor felt sidelined on several occasions as I worked on assignments, fielded discussion posts, completed readings, and plowed through learning modules. But he was always there to support my efforts and offer comment when I needed it. He was my default guinea pig for any teach-a-friend opportunities. Pathway became our roommate – occasionally greedy for attention, a little messy, but so personable that we couldn’t help but accommodate. 

So, what’s next? I don’t entirely know. I do know there’s something looming for me, for us. And I think I now believe in myself enough to accept the challenge with hope and optimism. Six years down under has taught me that anything is possible when we trust the Supreme Navigator.

Learning excites me. Discussing a wide range of topics is habit-forming. I love puzzling away at things. I can’t help but want to share what I have uncovered in my studies. Now I feel like I have some healthier tools to do that with. There is a way to put all these pieces together into a coherent whole and take on a university degree.

I have spent 42 weeks brushing up on my study skills, time management, spirituality, group work, budgeting, math, financial planning, writing, and reading. This past term of English has produced roughly 12,000 words in discussion board posts and replies, nearly 9,000 words in writing assignments, and roughly 60,000 words in daily free-writing since late January as I relearn the habit of communicating my brain noise. I realize not everyone needs to do that much writing, but I do. A dam has broken inside me, and I have learned to get out of the way. Safe paddling on the margins is entirely forgotten now. It’s too late to turn back. I have to surrender to the surf and discover what the future me needs to do. A return to Canada beckons on the not distant horizon, and change is guaranteed.