Monday, February 25, 2013

Bon Voyage

Departure day. People are continually asking me this past few months if I'm excited and while I usually answer yes, there's a very large unspoken BUT.

I have spent the last 43 years in this place learning how to be me. Now I've packed whatever I can travel with and will fly thousands of miles across the world to start over. If that's not cause for a measure of apprehension, I don't know what is.

I have clamped down on my emotions more and more lately just to be able to communicate without bursting into tears over the enormity of it all. And I ask myself how my parents did this 43 years ago when they left England for a new life in Canada. Probably because they were young and had each other and two small children in tow. They were going towards a new life and opportunities. Am I doing that? I have a couple of decades more than they did at the time. And my family is virtually grown now. Not quite the same, and yet it probably is.

I think the hardest part is the inadequacy of words to express what I'm feeling about the people that have walked through my life and painted it a brighter place. So many people have done so much for me in the past years and I can't even tell them properly or I'll start crying and never stop. And a head full of snot + air travel is simply not negotiable right now. The truth is that I have run out of time for my goodbyes and will have to figure out how to tell all these amazing individuals how much I love and appreciate what they have done to my existence. You know who you are. You are each beautiful and unique, and I will miss you more than I want to allow myself to feel.

My brave face is slipping a little. There have been so many tears in the past two months as I try to pack up our lives in this country until I know what happens 3 years from now. I honestly don't really know. All I know is that I'm doing this with the idea that I need to. I'm taking that leap into the open space and hoping that there will be new friends and family to catch me. I know the tears aren't done. There will be hard days and good days. I will sometimes wish I could go back to the way things used to be. But you can't go back.

I have learned so many new things just preparing to make this journey. I have learned that I need to let myself love more. I need to trust more. I need to smile and remember just how far I have traveled already. I need to remember that things are just things and my real treasures are the people I have walked with for a time. I look forward to walking with every single one of them again.

Time to stop. Time to push my shoulders back, take a deep breath and step forward onto the next path. I refuse to glance over my shoulder as I do so. That would be unfair to all of us. It would discredit the phenomenal support and encouragement I have been given so freely.

Here I go...